Five Times Team Members were Accosted by
by hardly loquacious
Summary: Will be a series of unrelated oneshots about the team being accosted by various things.  First up, Kidnappers.  All genres, all relatively light.  First one's a bit cracky.  Some pure friendship, some J/L.
1. Kidnappers

A/N: So, I've decided I kind of love writing vignettes like this, and I'm going to indulge myself since I've finished my BB fic early. Woo hoo. This will be a series of team-related Five Times fic, all different genres, except probably no angst, because I'm in a fluffy mood.

This first one definitely has some parody in it and is a little... odd. I'm not always a fan of the kidnapping stories, so I decided to have a little bit of fun. No offense was meant. I hope everyone enjoys it. Dedicated to forthecoast and yaba, since it's almost entirely their fault anyway.

xxxxx

Five Times Teresa Lisbon was Accosted by Kidnappers

xxxxx

i.

"I can't believe you got us kidnapped again!" Lisbon snapped at her consultant.

"Oh, it's not that bad," Jane said confidently.

"Not that bad?" Lisbon repeated in disbelief. "We're locked in a cement room, in a basement, in a building located _god only knows_ where. How is that _not_ that bad?"

Jane opened his mouth to explain, "Because…"

But Lisbon ignored him, preferring to continue with her rant. "I mean, why do I even trust you anyway? When will I learn? _Come with me to the creepy abandoned warehouse Lisbon_," she mocked. "The one where the known criminals hang out. I'm sure it'll be _fine_. What could go wrong? I'm just bringing you along as a precaution. _Nothing dangerous will happen_."

"It wasn't _that_ dangerous," Jane defended.

"Kidnapped Jane! Kidnapped!" Lisbon yelled, hoping the concept would sink into his thick skull. "And we could end up _dead_ in five minutes."

"Oh, they don't want us dead," Jane assured her.

But Lisbon refused to calm down, "That's what you said last time!"

"Well, I was right, wasn't I?" Jane couldn't help pointing out.

"It's the sort of thing you can really only be wrong about _once,_ Jane!" Lisbon growled.

"I wish you'd stop yelling," Jane said calmly.

"Shut up."

That seemed to rouse her consultant's curiosity. "Why do I have to be quiet while you get to yell?" he wondered.

"Because I'm not the one who got us into this mess," Lisbon told him.

"Ah," Jane agreed. "Would you like me to untie you from that chair at least?" he asked after a minute.

"Please," Lisbon told him. "Wait, how did you get untied from _your_ chair?" she wondered.

"Please Lisbon," Jane said with a superior wave of his hand. "I'm insulted by the question," she rolled her eyes at him, but she did sit quietly and let him free her hands. "There now," Jane said after a moment. "Doesn't that feel better now that your hands are loose?"

"I guess so," his co-captive agreed reluctantly.

"Good."

"I'm still mad at you," Lisbon told him after a minute.

"I wouldn't dream of implying otherwise," Jane assured her.

"Good." Lisbon glanced around the room. "What do you think the chances of breaking down that door from in here are?" she wondered.

Jane looked up. "Slim to none," he told her. "For one, it opens into the room. For another, it's a steel door in a cement wall, and lastly it probably has a deadbolt at the absolute minimum."

"Hm," Lisbon hummed, as she went to go examine it.

"But by all means knock yourself out trying," Jane told her. "Couldn't just believe me for once…" he muttered to himself.

He watched Lisbon examine the door for a while before squaring off sideways against it. "Lisbon," he said warningly. "That's just going to give you a bruised shoulder, or worse."

"Yeah?" she asked. "What's your brilliant plan then? Do nothing? Wait for them to kill us?"

"They're not going to kill us," Jane repeated. "If they were they'd have done it already. And I say we just wait for your team to find us. You're always telling me how competent you guys are, even without me. Plus, I may have mentioned to Cho what we were thinking of doing. They'll figure it out soon enough."

"Jane, _we_ don't even know where we are," Lisbon reminded him.

"Yes, but we're locked in a basement, Lisbon," Jane told her.

"Are we really?" Lisbon asked sarcastically.

Jane shook his head softly. "My point was they have more to go on, on the outside as it were."

"Whatever," Lisbon muttered. "OW."

"I told you that you'd just hurt your shoulder doing that," Jane couldn't resist reminding her. "But you insisted."

"Shut up. That really hurt Jane," Lisbon groused.

"Oh, I'm sure a big strong CBI Agent like you can take it," Jane said with a grin.

"That's not the point," Lisbon muttered.

"Of course Lisbon," Jane agreed. "I'll try to be more sympathetic. Would you like me to kiss it better?"

"Don't you dare!" she retorted.

"Ah, there we go," Jane said. "Glad to see you're feeling better. Now as I was saying…"

"Wait," Lisbon said. "Listen. Was that footsteps?"

"Multiple sets," Jane agreed. "And people trying not to announce their presence, so probably not our captors coming back to do away with us."

Lisbon began pounding on the door and yelling.

"Boss?" she heard on the other side.

"Rigsby?" she yelled. "It's Lisbon. Lisbon and Jane."

"Hi Rigsby!" Jane called cheerfully.

"Okay boss," Rigsby said. "We're gonna get you out of there. We just have to find something to break down the door. So maybe you should step back."

"Okay," Lisbon agreed. "We're clear in here."

"I told you they'd find us," Jane reminded her.

"Wait, you also said that the criminals weren't coming back to kill us, but you made a point of making sure Rigsby wasn't them before you got his attention," Lisbon said.

Jane shrugged. "Well, there was always a _small_ chance."

"I'm going to kill you when we get out of here," Lisbon told him.

Jane wisely decided to keep quiet.

A few minutes later Rigsby and the rest of the team managed to get the door open. "Hey Boss," he said cheerfully. "How's it goin'?"

"Oh peachy," Lisbon snarked. "Great day so far. Thanks for comin' to find us."

"No problem," Rigsby shrugged. "Cho got suspicious when he realized that Jane had made a point of telling him where the two of you were going."

"His voluntary communicativeness raised a red flag," Cho told her.

Lisbon smirked. "Right. Well, can we please get out of here now? And can I be in a different car than Jane."

"Oh now Lisbon," Jane said.

She glared at him again before storming off.

"I knew they wouldn't kill us," Jane assured the two Agents.

"Local cops caught your assailants on the way here with guns and garbage bags," Cho informed him. "Perfect for executing you and then hauling your bodies out of here."

Jane hesitated. "Well, at least I got her hands untied."

Cho turned and followed his boss wordlessly.

Jane turned to Rigsby, "So, want to stop for burgers on the way back? I'm starving."

Rigsby rolled his eyes then shrugged, "Okay."

xxxxx

ii.

Lisbon struggled against the desk she was attached to. She couldn't believe she'd gotten tied to a desk by a landscape architect. The idiot was trying to buy time in order to facilitate his escape attempt, which was pretty stupid. Attacking a CBI officer wasn't exactly something law enforcement tended to forget. And now they knew who their murderer was. She doubted their perp had friends in high places to help him disappear. Sure, he could make a run for the border, but that was hardly a guarantee. Besides, he wasn't exactly the type who could evade the authorities forever. He was a suburban soccer dad for crying out loud.

Lisbon'd just been meeting him in his office for some follow-up questions. He hadn't even been their prime suspect, barely on their radar at all actually, so she'd figured she didn't need backup. Idiot'd panicked, assumed she knew way more than she did, and taken her off guard when she turned her head for a second. Next thing Lisbon knew, she'd been forced into a back room, and now she was tied to a desk drawer. Lawson even had the nerve to apologize to her the entire time too. Said he never wanted anyone to get hurt. Like that'd matter now. Stupid jerk'd apparently been a boy scout too. The man sure knew his knots.

Looking around her again, Lisbon took stock of her surroundings. She was too far away from the phone at the moment. Her cell was in her back pocket, and while she was getting pretty good at yoga, she was in no way flexible enough to reach it from her current position. On the other hand, if she could get pull the drawer she was attached to out of the desk completely she could probably drag it over to the phone, or even out of the building if need be.

After slamming the drawer around for a few minutes Lisbon was forced to reconsider her strategy. It appeared the desk had some sort of catch, and there was a trick to getting the drawer out. She wasn't sure if she could get the right leverage from her current position. She eyed the drawer in consideration.

"Well, well, well," she heard a voice say from the doorway. "What have we here?"

Lisbon glanced up. "Jane! What are you doing here?"

"I knew it was weird that you weren't answering your phone!" Jane crowed triumphantly as he ambled into the room. "Cho thought you were just in an area with poor cell service, but I knew better," Jane continued.

"Would you just get over here and get me off of this thing?" Lisbon asked.

Jane obligingly came over.

"No!" Lisbon said suddenly. "First call Cho and tell him we need an APB out for Lawson, and he needs to contact the borders."

"So Lawson's our man then?" Jane asked absently. "I wondered if he might be."

"If you…" Lisbon started to say. "Never mind. There's no time for that. Call Cho now!"

"Patience, woman," Jane muttered. But he did as he was told. To Lisbon's relief he left out the details of her current predicament.

"So," Jane said. "I suppose now that whole _catching the bad guy_ part is taken care of, you want me to help you now."

"The whole '_catching the bad guy'_ part isn't done until I hear my handcuffs click around his wrists," Lisbon snapped.

"Fair enough," Jane said as he set to untying the knotted twine around her wrists. "Hey," he said. "Lawson knew what he was doing. These are some pretty intricate knots."

"Probably a boy scout," Lisbon muttered.

"At least he took something away from his time with the troop," Jane pointed out.

Lisbon didn't dignify that with a response.

The second her hands were free Lisbon grabbed her stuff. "Come on!" she said. "Let's go."

"Right behind you Lisbon," Jane replied. Then he paused suddenly.

"What?" Lisbon asked.

"I was just thinking," Jane told her. "Technically I think this means that I rescued you."

"Shut up."

"I did!" Jane said, clearly thrilled. "You were tied to a desk, kidnapped by a landscape architect who'd reached the end of his rope. You couldn't escape, and then I came along! I _rescued_ you Lisbon. I'm your hero, your white knight in shining armour, your…"

"The only white night you resemble even remotely is the one from _Alice Through the Looking Glass,_ who couldn't even manage to stay on his own damn horse," Lisbon said interrupting his self-aggrandizing monologue.

"You're just cranky because now you owe me," Jane said blithely.

That temporarily halted his colleague in her tracks. "Excuse me? I _owe_ you?" she repeated in disbelief. "I've probably saved your life at least a dozen times in the last month alone!"

"Well, now you're obviously exaggerating," Jane told her. "I'm sure it'd take at least three months for you to save me from mortal peril a whole twelve times."

"Either way!" Lisbon growled.

"Well, yes," Jane agreed. "You have saved me more times than I've saved you Lisbon," Jane acknowledged. "But since I've saved you I'm responsible for you. Just like you're responsible for me."

"You're not responsible for me," Lisbon disagreed vehemently. "I don't want you to be responsible for me."

"I'm sorry Lisbon, but there's nothing I can do about it," Jane said with a shrug. "It's just how these things work."

"Since when are you all for following the rules?" Lisbon asked in irritation.

"I don't care about silly little procedures and protocol," Jane explained, waving away her objections. "Larger, unspoken, moral responsibilities however…"

Lisbon paused for a moment to consider that. "Oh shove it Jane."

"I'm sorry Lisbon, but like I said, that's just the way it is," he told her.

"So you're going to be responsible for me now," she suggested in disbelief.

"Yes."

"You?" she repeated.

"Yes."

Lisbon stared at him blankly. "God help me."

"Look on the bright side Lisbon," Jane said blithely. "It could be worse."

"_How?" _she wondered.

"That hurts you know," Jane told her.

"Hmph."

"Anyway," Jane said continuing his train of thought. "As I was saying, it could be worse."

Lisbon rolled her eyes as they approached her vehicle. "Again I ask, _how?"_

"If this really was a fairytale you'd be practically required to marry me now," Jane told her cheerfully.

Lisbon gaped at him. Then she glared. "I am _not_ some damsel in distress waiting in a tower for someone to come rescue her!" she growled.

"That much is _obvious_ Lisbon," Jane agreed. "I think we can both agree that most of the time that's my role in this little partnership we've got going on," he added.

"Well, good," she said.

"You're not helpless, Lisbon," Jane assured her. "You just caught off-guard. Now let's go get Lawson."

"How do you propose we do that?" Lisbon asked.

"Oh, I know where he's going," Jane assured her. "You know as well as I do he'd never make it across the border. Luckily he knows it too. He's going to visit an old friend. I say we meet him there so you can tackle him into a wall for daring to tie you to a piece of furniture."

Lisbon grinned. Ah yes, the shady brother-in-law of the victim. Well, that made sense. "Let's go," she said, starting the car. "And Jane?"

"Yes Lisbon?"

"Thanks for coming and finding me," she told him.

"Anytime milady," he assured her.

"Don't call me that," she said quickly.

"Okay," he agreed. "But, if you call _me_ "Sir Patrick" at least once today I won't even tell the team about finding you tied to a cheap forty year old desk with what was basically really strong twine," he added.

Lisbon considered the offer for a moment, "You've got a deal, Sir Patrick."

Jane just grinned. He kind of liked this occasional-hero thing.

xxxxx

iii.

Lisbon blew her bangs out of her face and struggled against her bonds before glaring at the evil mastermind of the week while said evil genius just gloated over her predicament.

The lunatic was currently strutting around the room unbelievably pompously, while wearing a velvet smoking jacket, which Lisbon didn't even realize they still even made anymore. "Ha! I've caught you my dear!" he cried. "I've watched you from afar for so long. Now I have you. And you shall be mine!" 

"Oh, just great," Lisbon said sarcastically.

But the evil mastermind was still ignoring her. "And no one, not even your perfect Mr. Jane can save you," he continued. "My secondary motivation is to cause him unspeakable pain, as I hate him for a reason that is never adequately explained in the narrative. It doesn't need to be! Jane is so annoying that I'm confident anyone who knows my story will be able to fill in the blanks for themselves in a moderately satisfactory manner. This will crush him!"

Lisbon stared at him in disbelief. "Yeah, I'm not so sure it will," she said after a moment. 

Her captor looked confused at that. "But you're the only thing he cares about!" he said incredulously. 

Lisbon considered that. "You think so?" she said. "I guess. Assuming we forget about Red John at least. Anyway, we both know you're not going to succeed," she added.

The Evil Mastermind of the Week sent her a cunning grin. "How can you be so sure?" he asked cryptically. 

"Your over-the-top monologue gave it away," Lisbon told him casually.

He considered that for a moment. "Damn it!" he expostulated. "Foiled by literary convention _again!_"

"And hey, I know you're apparently obsessed with me "Which is completely out of the blue by the way," Lisbon said, determined to press her advantage. "But can we skip the part where you get uncomfortably physically close to me? I'd rather not have to deal with that today if it's all the same to you."

The now-depressed looking Evil Mastermind barely seemed to be paying attention anymore. After a moment he seemed to realize she'd spoken to him. "Oh of course," he assured her. "I'm one of those kidnappers who wants to keep the object of his obsession pure and unspoiled. Removes the need for any creepy physical contact from the whole proceedings." 

Lisbon nodded, clearly pleased. "Excellent. That's my favourite kind of kidnapping! Especially when I'm the one being kidnapped." 

Her approval seemed to appease her temporary captor and he puffed up in pride. Then something occurred to him, "Wait, when are you not the target of the kidnapping?" he asked.

Lisbon sighed in resignation. "_I know_," she admitted. "You'd think I'd be better at avoiding this sort of thing, given my profession."

The Evil Mastermind of the Week nodded. "You really would," he agreed. 

"Yeah…," Lisbon said. "So do you mind if I just go ahead and free myself now?"

That seemed to disappoint the villain. "You mean this isn't going to be one of the ones where Mr. Jane rushes in to save you, despite the fact that canonically he's proven to be generally useless when any sort of physicality or heroics is called for? Then you uncharacteristically cry in his arms and beg him never to leave you while he promises not to let you go and confesses his undying love?" he asked sadly.

She shook her head. "Sorry no," she told him. "I'm feeling particularly self-sufficient today."

Her companion seemed to accept that. Lisbon supposed that at this point he was just resigned to his lot. "Couldn't you at least wait until I leave the room?" he asked.

She sighed. She guessed it was the least she could do. "Oh fine. I suppose there's only the one inept guard?" 

Her captor shook his head. "Two actually," he corrected. "One at the door to this room, one at the main exit to the building. You'll have no trouble escaping. Though it may take you a couple of days to make your way back to civilization. You'll look almost unrecognizable when you get there, you'll be so exhausted. Also, I gave you a drug that'll make you lose your memory once you get back to Sacramento."

Lisbon felt the urge to bang her head on the wall in frustration. Every single freakin' time. "Seriously?" she snapped. "What happened to chaste and untouchable?" she wondered.

But the Evil Mastermind of the Week was unrepentant. "I didn't touch you," he pointed out. "The needle did." Then he seemed to realize his presence was no longer needed. He clapped his hands together once. "Alright, well, I'll leave you to escape then. I was so hoping to see Jane too. I thought he might teach me a card trick." With that he left the room.

Lisbon decided she'd better get out of there quickly. She wanted to make it as close to the CBI building as possible before the drugs started to kick in.

Hm. Maybe it would make sense to write a short explanatory note, just to cut down on the confusion when she did inevitably loose her memory. It would make so much less hassle in the long run. Though her team was getting used to this sort of thing, so maybe they'd just _assume._

And maybe while she was at it she should send a text message Jane once she got on her way. She was pretty sure her phone was still in her pocket. That way he could be helpful in tracking her down, not to mention, explaining the situation to any medical personnel she happened to encounter.

She just hoped that this round of drugs didn't cause hallucinations. She could do without another two days of seeing pink elephants in the corner of the CBI building and Rigsby wearing a teddy bear costume.

Lisbon swiftly slammed the door into the first inept guard's face as she left the dungeon. It was time to get this over with.

xxxxx

iv.

Lisbon woke up groggily. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and she couldn't seem to focus properly. It almost felt like she'd been drugged. And she couldn't move her arms.

She groaned, recognizing the all-too familiar feeling. "Oh, no. Not again," she groused, pleased to discover that at least she hadn't been gagged this time.

Looking around the room cautiously, Lisbon forced herself to focus. Her hands were tied behind her back, but she didn't seem to be secured to anything. As the mental haze from the drug started to dissipate she took stock of her surroundings.

She was in a plain white room, no furniture, other than the chair she was sitting on, also white, and no windows. There was a door, but she could only assume it was locked. Maybe she'd try and break it down once she felt a little steadier.

Slowly she untied the knots binding her hands and rubbed her wrists, hoping to restore the circulation. She'd been kidnapped so many times now that she'd made Jane teach her a few rudimentary tricks for freeing yourself when you were tied up. They actually came in quite handy.

Lisbon was just about to try standing up when the door opened.

A man in a lab coat with a goatee walked in. "Agent Lisbon, we meet again," he said.

"What are you talking about?" she demanded. "We've never met."

"I know," he admitted. "But I've always wanted to say that."

"Oh brother," she muttered.

"Now, I'm Dr, White," he explained. "I'm doing research on the effects of confinement in a sensory deprived space, like this white room. Now, obviously I can't legally use human subjects, so I had to use, well, non-traditional means to acquire some."

"So you kidnapped a CBI Agent?" she demanded. "Are you insane?"

"Possibly," he admitted. "But what's done is done. Why don't I ask you some questions to establish a baseline?"

"First tell me how you drugged me," Lisbon demanded.

"Drugged your coke at the diner where you had lunch," the doctor admitted. "Now, as to your physiological state…"

Lisbon watched him closely, biding her time.

xx

Rigsby, Cho and Van Pelt walked as softly as possible down the plain white halls. Jane had opted to remain outside, just in case things got dangerous.

Suddenly Rigsby stopped. He'd heard something in the room up ahead. He gestured to the others. On cue he broke in the door.

"CBI! FREEZE!" he yelled, gun raised.

The sight that greeted him on the other side of the door wasn't the one he'd expected.

His boss was kneeling on top of a man who looked like a research scientist, a knee digging into his back while she tied his wrists.

"I'm a CBI AGENT for CRISSAKES!" she yelled. "I'm sick of this crap! I'm competent at my job! Really competent! That means that it's ludicrous how many time I somehow get kidnapped. I mean, getting accidentally drugged _once_ is bad luck, could happen to any woman out alone. Twice is a weird coincidence, but EIGHTEEN TIMES is insane! I mean, I could understand if Red John decided to make a go of it, but why does every psycho from San Diego to Sonoma seem to feel the need to lock me in a basement? Well, I'm done! Do you hear me? You picked the wrong random woman to snatch for your crazy-ass experiments! And what was your plan here? Did you not even notice that I'd freed my hands? Did you honestly think I wouldn't be able to overpower you, you useless pipsqueak? Stop whimpering! You are so screwed you don't even know the meaning of the word! I lead my own damn team you moron!" She paused for breath. "Hey guys, nice to see you," she called over her shoulder.

"Hey Boss," Rigsby replied pleasantly as he holstered his gun. "You need any help?"

"In a minute," Lisbon told him. Then she turned back to the man underneath her. He whimpered something indecipherable.

"Shut up!" Lisbon yelled again, digging her knee deeper into his back. "Now listen hear you snivelling weasel. I know you've got creepy contacts with the criminal world, your kind always do. You put the word out, next person who decides to make me the target of their creepy scheme, I'm not just gonna catch 'em, and I'm not just gonna send 'em to prison either. I'll conduct my own experiment. Have you heard about my consultant, Patrick Jane?"

Dr White froze in terror.

Lisbon grinned. "That's right. Forget about six hours in a plain white room. Try six hours in a room alone with Jane. _Have fun,_" she drawled.

Then she got up and strode out of the room.

"He's all yours guys," she told her team.

She walked out of the building.

Jane glanced up in relief. "You're okay," he said happily.

"Just a bit of a headache," she admitted. "And I need a favour."

xxxxx

v.

Lisbon glared at the cuffs in front of her, the ones holding her own hands hostage. She couldn't believe he'd had the nerve to use her own handcuffs to restrain her.

She'd never live this down.

"You'll pay for this," she growled to the man sitting beside her. She supposed she should be grateful he'd let her sit in the front seat. The way he'd been treating her, she'd expected to be humiliatingly shoved in the back seat of the damn contraption they were currently riding in.

"Will I?" he asked, obviously amused. "Somehow I don't think so."

"I'll make sure of it," she spat out.

"Such threats Agent Lisbon," he murmured patronizingly. "A little ironic given your current position. I'd have thought you'd think to try being nice to me."

"I'll show you _nice,_ you arrogant little…" she seethed, her face livid.

"Tsk, tsk. Temper, temper. Wouldn't want to give yourself a heart attack or an aneurism would you?" he asked with a grin.

She didn't answer, preferring to stare stonily out the window. She was done talking.

Five minutes later when they pulled up in front of an isolated little bungalow her resolution wavered. "And what are we doing here?" she asked.

"It's private," her kidnapper told her calmly. "I thought you and I needed to have a little talk."

"You kidnapped a CBI Agent just to have a little talk?" she asked incredulously. "You _are_ insane."

"Perhaps if you weren't quite so… stubborn, we could have had this talk under other circumstances," he said with a shrug, as he led her into the house. "But you can be remarkably unyielding at times Agent Lisbon. One might say almost implacable. It raises certain difficulties."

She glared at him.

"I would ask if I could take your coat," he continued, not at all perturbed by the look of pure hatred he was on the receiving end of. "But that might be difficult under the circumstances," he said, gesturing to her handcuffs.

"You're enjoying this," she growled. "You think you have all the control, that you're _so_ clever. Well, let me tell you something, you conceited, scheming, untrustworthy, idiot…"

"You're enjoying it to," he said sharply, cutting off her rant before she could really get started.

She gaped at him for a minute, before finding her powers of speech. "I… I am not!"

Suddenly her tormentor grinned, approaching her slowly. She took a step backwards. Then his grin turned predatory and she resolved to stand her ground. She was an agent of the CBI and she would not be cowed by this… by this _bully_.

"Of course you are," he informed her in a voice so smooth it positively _screamed_ sinister intentions. Lisbon could practically feel it trying insinuate itself into her brain.

"Don't be ridiculous," she retorted immediately. She had no idea what he was talking about. And even if she did, she certainly wasn't going to agree with him.

"Am I?" he wondered. "Then why didn't you jump out of the car?"

"Jump out of a moving car?" she asked in disbelief. "In handcuffs? Yeah, that sounds like a _great idea_. This isn't the movies,"she scoffed, trying to buy herself time to figure something out.

"Are you telling me that tough, fearless Teresa Lisbon couldn't handle jumping out of a moving car while we were still in the city and driving at a reasonable speed?" her assailant wondered.

"Maybe I never thought you'd take it this far," she countered. "I incorrectly assumed you'd come to your senses. There will be serious consequences now."

"Of course there will," he acknowledged. "But when have you ever known _me_ to back down?"

"When have you ever known _me_ to?" she shot back.

"Ah, but that's the point, isn't it?" he told her. "You always like to be in control, _Agent Lisbon_. Crave it really. It's practically pathological at this point. And as a result people always thrust control on to you. It makes someone like me want to try and break it," her tormentor admitted.

"Wh-what?" she stuttered, unsure of where this was going.

"Do I make you nervous Teresa?" he whispered in her ear as he took a step closer.

Lisbon forced her spine straight and refused to step back. "No," she insisted.

"Mm. Very good," he hummed his approval. "Vocal tone was strong, determined, almost angry. You almost had me fooled Teresa. Almost. Still, A for effort."

"What do you want?" she asked him, ignoring what she could only assume were his deliberate attempts to bait her.

He chuckled. "But I told you what I want," he reminded her. "I _want_ to break your control. And what's more, you want me to."

"And why would I want that?" she asked sarcastically, determined to keep her irritation to the forefront.

He grinned lazily. "Because you're sick of holding on to everything so tightly. You're sick of constantly being the responsible one. Sick of having to take care of what feels like the entire universe. You _want_ to let everything go. You _want_ to give in to someone else. In fact, I think you _let_ me handcuff you."

"I did not let you handcuff me!" she countered quickly. "You tricked me."

"I provided a convenient pretext for you to let yourself be put in my power," he corrected, takinga step closer into her personal space.

Lisbon's mouth dropped open in shock. A second later she remembered herself and snapped it shut. "Oh that's ridiculous," she said, finding her irritation again. After all, any other reaction was unthinkable.

"Is it?" her antagonist wondered, trailing his nose slowly from her ear, down the line of her chin to brush his lips against the hollow of her throat.

She jumped. "What do you think you're doing," she asked her voice betraying an unconcealable hint of nervousness.

He chuckled against her skin. "Shattering your control."

She put her hands firmly against his chest. "Wait," she ordered quietly but firmly.

"Why?" he whispered into her other ear as he placed a hand on the small of her back to hold her still.

She paused, trying to think of a reason, before remembering that she didn't have to. "Because."

"That's not very convincing," he informed her, his lips only centimetres from hers.

"Step back," she whispered.

"You step back," he countered. "Or is that too much of a sign of weakness, _Agent Lisbon_?"

"Bastard," she growled.

"Maybe," he admitted quietly. "But you're still not moving. And we both know that even with your hands restrained, you could still easily cause me more than enough pain to make me back down, especially given my current position. If you wanted me to that is."

"I do," she insisted.

"Okay," her tormentor replied, trailing his fingers slowly up and down her spine, smirking when her eyes fluttered closed momentarily before popping back open in shock. He watched her marshal her anger yet again, and prepared himself for another fight. His grin turned wicked.. Truthfully he'd hoped she wouldn't give in quite that easily.

"Why this? Why now?" she demanded, pushing against his chest with her hands so he was forced to take a half a step back.

"Why not?" he asked drolly. "I certainly don't have any scruples of any kind. Now seemed as good a time as any."

Lisbon almost rolled her eyes. "Then why me?"

Her question finally seemed to provoke him. Her counterpart growled, pushing himself closer to her in spite of her hands. "You know the answer to that," he hissed before nipping her ear.

She gasped before she could stop herself.

She felt him grin against the shell of her ear. "You _like_ that I kidnapped you," he whispered. "You _like_ that I'm a little bit dangerous. You _like _that I'm not gonna follow any rules. And most of all, you _like_ that I'm not backing down like that vacillating namby-pamby of an attorney you went to dinner with last week would. Idiot obviously isn't a trial lawyer."

"What?" she asked, her head spinning. "When did you…"

"I saw him when I came downstairs to get a cup of tea," her intimidator told her. "You don't want him, and you know it. We _both _know it. You want someone who'll fight with you. Who'll stand up to you. Who'll push you as hard as you push them," he said, adding even more pressure against her hands, until they gave way. "And yeah, you want someone you can beat, at least verbally. But the funny thing is," he added, nipping briefly at her neck, "You want someone who can beat you right back. You want someone who'll push, and prod, and rub you the wrong way," he informed her, trailing a hand up her spine again. "And you desperately want someone who'll take the time to wrestle the control you cling to from your hands."

"I don't," she whispered.

"Don't you?" he wondered, angling his body back where it had been, dwarfing her smaller frame.

"No."

"Then why haven't you kneed me in the groin before now?"he asked, his eyes finding hers. "Why are you tolerating my presence in your personal space? Why is your breathing quick and shallow? Why are you practically fighting to keep your eyes open? And _why_, instead of pushing me away, are your hands fisted so tight in my clothing that I'm not entirely sure I _could _take a single step backwards, even if I wanted to?"

"Damn it Jane," she moaned, letting her head fall back against her shoulders.

He grinned triumphantly. "Tell me why," he repeated whispering against her lips. "If you don't want this, tell me why you'd surrender completely if I kissed you right now."

Lisbon sighed and leaned her forehead against his, her opposition gone. "Stockholm Syndrome," she murmured. Before giving into herself and letting him prevent her from saying any more.

xxxxx

The end

Well, I thought that was fun.


	2. Ungulates

Alright, here it is. The fic spawned by a random comment I made after seeing 2.06 (the one with Jane and the pretty horses). This is pretty much straight up fluff. But it's team!fluff. It's also straight up friendship.

Hope you enjoy the silliness.

xxxxx

Five Times Team Members were Accosted by Ungulates

xxxxx

Def'n (for my purposes): A hoofed mammal

xxxxx

_i._

"Anyone seen Van Pelt lately?" Lisbon asked her colleagues.

"She said she'd meet us out here after she talked to the farmer's wife. Remember boss?" Rigsby reminded her.

"Yeah, but that was like..." Lisbon glanced at her watch to confirm. "An hour ago. How long does one interview take?"

"Now Lisbon," Jane said pleasantly. "You know how thorough Van Pelt can be. Besides, didn't she grow up in a farming community herself? Maybe she's bonded with the family. That might be helpful."

"I just hope she hasn't gotten lost," Lisbon muttered. "It feels like we've been walking through fields forever. We ever gonna get there?"

"Body's just over the next hill," the local officer who was showing them to the dump site assured her.

"Van Pelt's probably just behind us," Rigsby assured his boss. "I'm sure she'll catch up."

"She probably will catch up," Jane added. "After all, I think we've been taking the longest route possible around all the fields."

"Hey!," the local officer defended himself. "I'm not sure what's in all these fields exactly. I know the owner keeps cows. Cows aren't always as calm as they look if you know what I mean."

"Plus they travel in packs," Cho said, speaking for the first time.

"Actually," Jane interjected with a grin. "I'm pretty sure the term is herds."

"Whatever," Cho said with a shrug. "What they lack in intelligence they make up for in superior numbers."

Rigsby smirked. "Then maybe we should hope that Van Pelt _doesn't_ take any shortcuts."

Lisbon frowned briefly in worry.

Jane caught her expression. "Meh," he said with a wave of his hand. "I'm sure Grace is more than a match for a few cows. She can take care of herself. Like I said, she grew up in a farming community."

He'd barely finished speaking when the local cop interrupted again. "Um, your missing Agent, she doesn't happen to have long red hair does she?"

"Yeah," Lisbon confirmed. "Why?"

The cop gestured into one of the adjacent fields.

Lisbon turned to see Van Pelt running at top speed towards them. The team wasn't exactly sure why she was moving so quickly until a large bull rounded the corner about thirty yards behind her.

"Oh _crap!_" Lisbon said expressively as she reached instinctively for her gun. She heard Rigsby and Cho do the same.

"Oh come on," Jane said. "You're not going to actually _shoot_ the bull are you?"

"I absolutely_ will_ shoot it if it gets anywhere _near_ her!" Lisbon snapped in response.

"Of course you will," Jane muttered under his breath. "Look Lisbon, I know he's gaining on her, but I'm sure she'll make the fence in plenty of time..."

"_Shut up Jane!" _three voices ordered in chorus.

"Come on Van Pelt!" Lisbon yelled.

"We got you Grace!" Rigsby added.

Cho just trained his gun more accurately on the approaching bull.

The five of them watched Van Pelt run the last few yards and hop over the metal gate.

The bull continued to approach, but he slowed as he reached the gate, seeming to know the limits of his domain.

Shooting the animal a final glare, Lisbon turned to her agent. "You okay Van Pelt?" she asked in concern.

"Yeah boss," Van Pelt panted. "Just a little out of breath."

"Good. Then what the _hell_ were you thinking cutting through a field with a bull in it?" Lisbon demanded. "You almost took ten years off my life! I thought I was gonna have to _shoot_ the thing. Who knows how much it would have cost to replace a bull!"

"You don't want to know Boss," Van Pelt told her quickly, interrupting her mid-rant. Everyone knew it was better to stop Lisbon before she really got started. Less painful that way.

"Yeah," Lisbon agreed. "You're right, that I don't want to know. You know who else probably doesn't want to know? Hightower. Because I doubt our boss would have been pleased if the CBI had to compensate the farmer for it! What were you doing in the middle of a field with a bull anyway?"

I didn't _know_ there was a bull in the field when I decided to cut across it," Van Pelt explained. "The farmer told me they kept cows. I'm used to cows. He didn't say anything about a bull. And I thought if I cut through a couple of the fields I'd catch up to the rest of you more quickly," she added, hoping to calm Lisbon down. After all, the boss always liked it when things were done quickly.

"Still," Lisbon muttered. "Don't do it again."

"Sure thing Boss," Van Pelt agreed. "I promise to do my best never to get chased by a mad bull again."

"Good."

"It's still staring at you," Cho remarked, having never taken his eyes off the animal.

"Maybe it's the red shirt," Jane said cheerfully.

Van Pelt looked down at her sweater and groaned.

"Rigsby! Give Van Pelt your jacket," Lisbon ordered.

"Right," he said quickly. "Here you go Grace," he added, handing it to her with a smile.

"Thanks," Van Pelt said wryly as she slipped it on. The jacket came to her knees.

"Maybe you should also try to tuck as much of your hair into the back as possible," Jane suggested cheerfully.

Van Pelt sighed.

"Maybe we should just keep moving," Cho suggested. "Then hopefully it'll lose interest."

"Good idea," Lisbon agreed. "Let's go."

The six of them began walking again.

"Hey Lisbon?" Jane asked suddenly.

"Mhm?"

"What do we know about cause of death of this body?" he asked.

"We're meeting the M.E. in the field," she told him. "Why?"

He shrugged. "No reason. I was just thinking though. If our victim wasn't as good at the 200-yard dash as Grace here, then our friend Ferdinand over there is looking like a decent suspect."

Lisbon smirked. "I'll be sure to ask the M.E. to rule out both goring and trampling," she assured him dryly.

"See Grace!" Jane said cheerfully. "No need to sulk. Without you we wouldn't have arrived at that possible avenue of investigation."

"Yes," Cho agreed. "Because otherwise I'm sure we never would have thought of death by trampling."

"True," Jane admitted. "I suppose that would be rather obvious. But at least it livened up the day. And now you don't have to go to the gym tonight."

Van Pelt scowled. "Oh, shut up Jane."

xxxxx

_ii._

Sacramento was turning into a zoo. Literally.

It was like something out of a bad movie; a train carrying a variety of zoo animals had been detained on the tracks while another one passed it. Somehow two of the cars got open and various animals got out. The only thing that prevented the situation from being a complete cliché was the fact that as far as anyone could tell, only herbivores had escaped.

Large herbivores.

Large herbivores that were now roaming the edges of the city.

So, in other words, no one was likely to be eaten, though trampling was still a definite possibility.

Cho'd heard that most of the gazelles had already been caught, along with the single hippopotamus. There were still a few things missing though. The owners assured everyone they weren't particularly harmful, though obviously any wild animal could attack when cornered.

Which was why the CBI had offered any free agents to the recovery efforts. They were basically there to help with crowd control and subduing panic in the city.

Cho'd never wished for a sudden murder investigation more.

He was sick of assuring random citizens that the authorities would prefer if they didn't drive in that direction at this time because one of the escaped animals had been cited down that street. He was even sicker of denying government cover-ups and refuting claims that instead of some sort of hoofed mammal, what was actually down the street he and Rigsby were trying to block off, was in fact a rabid tiger. Or worse.

Cho sent the latest conspiracy theorist away in relief. He was just praying that he got to go home as soon as possible.

Rigsby seemed to be enjoying himself, but Rigsby had the advantage of finding the whole thing rather funny. Cho was just bored. He wanted to do something, anything, other than stand around telling people to go away. Usually his overall demeanour was enough to keep strangers at a distance.

"Hey Cho!" Rigsby called to him suddenly.

"What?" Cho asked, turning his attention from the crowd they'd been sent to subdue.

"Look at that," his partner said, gesturing off to the right.

Cho followed his arm only to see four animal control employees, clearly out of their depth, trying to wrangle one of the escaped animals back into a cage. He almost couldn't believe his eyes.

Before he could say anything to Rigsby about it, the beast, suddenly deciding he'd had enough of the people trying to catch him, turned and charged towards the two CBI officers. Cho was torn between feeling like he should do something to help animal control catch the thing and an overwhelming desire to just get the hell out of there. Just as he was about to jump out of the way, one of the men trying to recapture the animal managed to administer a tranquilizer.

The animal stopped, blinked at Cho for a moment, then turned and allowed its pursuers to lead it into a cage.

"So that's a zebra then," he said after a moment.

"Yup," Rigsby agreed. Cho didn't need to look at him to know that he was smirking. "What do you think?"

Cho stared at the animal. "Little overrated don't you think?"

Rigsby chuckled. "Sure."

"I mean, it's basically a horse with stripes," Cho explained.

"True," Rigsby agreed. "But not many people can say that they've narrowly escaped being charged by a zebra."

"I didn't escape charging," Cho told him. "All of a sudden it decided not to charge. That's not an escape."

"Still," Rigsby teased suggestively. "Bet Elise'll be impressed."

Cho paused to consider that. "Maybe," he admitted after a moment.

"So we'd better get back to it," Rigsby added.

"Yeah," Cho said with a sigh.

"And hey," Rigsby said cheerfully. "Now you've seen a zebra."

"Whatever," Cho said with a shrug.

Rigsby shook his head in defeat.

Cho smirked. When Rigsby wasn't looking of course.

xxxxx

_iii._

"I hope they don't have dogs," Rigsby muttered to Cho, as he knocked on the witness' door. "I hate it when they have dogs."

"I thought you liked dogs," Cho remarked casually.

"I do," Rigsby defended. "Nice dogs. Dogs I know. Large, unfriendly, snarling things I'm not so fond of."

"You really think a single woman in her mid-thirties with no criminal record that we know of is going to have a violent German Sheppard?" Cho asked, referring to the owner of the house they were currently standing outside of.

"You never know," Rigsby reminded him. "We've opened doors on some pretty strange stuff in this job."

"That's true," Cho agreed.

A second later the door opened to reveal a normal-looking woman, no dog. Rigsby pulled out his badge. "Hi there Mrs. Da Silva. We're from the California Bureau of investigation. We'd like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind."

"Oh," she said in surprise. "Have I... I mean, what about exactly? Have I done anything..."

"No ma'am," Rigsby interrupted quickly. "Nothing like that. We heard you were working late two nights ago and well, someone was killed nearby around that time. We wanted to ask you if you saw anything out of the ordinary."

"Of course," the woman said immediately. "Come on in. I'm sorry; I'm just not used to having the police show up at my door."

"That's a good thing," Cho told her.

"Right," Mrs. Da Silva said awkwardly. "Won't you sit down?"

"Thank you," Rigsby replied, as he sat down in the chair she gestured towards. Cho decided to stay standing.

"So you were working late at the local grocery store two nights ago," Cho double-checked.

"I was," Mrs. Da Silva confirmed.

"Do you remember what time you left?" he asked.

"Around ten I think," she replied. "Though I couldn't be sure of the exact time. It was definitely somewhere close to ten though."

"Do you usually work that late?" Rigsby wondered.

"Often," their potential witness said with a shrug. "I am the manager after all."

Rigsby opened his mouth to ask another question when he felt something strange against his leg. "What the–!" he shouted.

"Oh, Howard's come out to play!" Mrs. Da Silva cooed. "Isn't he adorable? Don't worry; he's very friendly. Completely harmless."

"Uh..." Rigsby muttered. 'Howard' was in fact a 200 pound pot-bellied pig. And he was still sniffing around his shoe.

"Pigs are such intelligent animals," Mrs. Da Silva continued cheerfully. "So easy to train, and remarkably docile if you know how to handle them."

"Unusual pet," Cho remarked, when it became clear Rigsby wasn't going to answer.

"They're not illegal to own in this city," the owner defended quickly. "I checked."

"I'm sure that's true," Cho agreed.

"Besides," Mrs. Da Silva continued oblivious to Rigsby's discomfort. "I thought with the size of my backyard I should get a pet." She finally seemed to notice that Rigsby was shifting as far away from a still snuffling Howard as possible. "I hope he's not being too much of a nuisance," she said. "It's just the natural urge to root you know. But Howard can't dig under the chair can he snookums? No, he can't. The floorboards get in the way."

"Maybe I'll just stand," Rigsby said quickly. "Did you see anything out of the ordinary two nights ago? Maybe you glanced out the window?" To his annoyance he realized that Howard wasn't interested in rooting under the chair but around his pant leg. He gritted his teeth. "Maybe you heard something!" he exclaimed, his voice a slightly higher pitch than normal.

Cho ducked his head to conceal a grin.

"Well, now that you mention it," Mrs. Da Silva exclaimed. "I think I did hear something two nights ago."

"Could you describe it for us ma'am?" Cho asked, seeing that Rigsby was too busy trying to subtly escape Howard to ask for clarification.

"Of course," their witness agreed. "It was just about 9:30..."

xx

Fifteen minutes later they were done. Both agents quickly declined Mrs. Da Silva's offer of tea and made their way out of the house.

"Thank you ma'am. I think we've got everything we need for now," Rigsby assured her, glancing worriedly at Howard, who was still trying to get to him from behind his owner. "But call us if you think of anything else."

"I certainly will," Mrs. Da Silva said as she shut the door. "You two have a nice day."

They walked down the driveway together. Rigsby let out a sigh of relief. He glanced at Cho, who was smirking. "Don't even start," he warned."

"Hey," Cho said almost cheerfully. "At least there wasn't a dog."

xxxxx

_iv._

Lisbon stared at Jane then back into her office, an expression of amused disbelief on her face.

"It's a pony," she said in shock.

"Yes," Jane agreed.

"There's a pony in my office," she said in the same tone of voice.

"Yes," Jane agreed again.

"You put a _pony_ in my office?" she asked.

"Yes," Jane agreed a third time.

"How did you even get a pony _into_ my office?" she wondered, her brain finally catching up to the reality in front of her.

"Oh, now Lisbon, that would ruin the magic of the surprise," Jane told her indulgently.

"You _really_ got me a pony," Lisbon said softly.

Jane shrugged his shoulders, "Technically it's a rental."

"Still, you really magicked a pony into my office," Lisbon said, a genuine grin on her face.

"Yes Lisbon," Jane agreed in a superior tone. "The animal in front of you isn't an illusion."

"Why?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Why isn't she an illusion?" Jane asked. "Well Lisbon, I suspect that answering that question would require an in depth discussion on the nature of reality that I'm not really sure I have time to go into. Technically I suppose we could _all_ be illusions, in which case..."

"No you idiot," Lisbon interrupted. "_Why_ did you put a pony in my office?"

"It's your birthday present," Jane said matter-of-factly, as if that explained everything.

"A pony." Sure she'd said it about ten times now, but Lisbon felt it was a fact that bore repeating.

"I thought that was what all girls wanted," Jane said with a shrug.

"Some girls maybe," Lisbon agreed. "But no one actually ever _gets_ one. Especially when they're in their thirties and working for the State Government."

Jane frowned slightly. "Why not?"

"Because..." Lisbon trailed off. It was one of those things that shouldn't need explaining. They just _were_. But then again, that made it exactly the sort of thing Jane had trouble with.

"See, you can't actually think of a reason," Jane said triumphantly.

Lisbon scowled. "Because it's not practical," she said finally.

Jane grinned slowly, "That's not a good reason."

"Be quiet," she told him quickly. But she smiled as she said it.

"Hey! You should be nicer to me!" Jane reminded her. "I just brought you a surprise pony."

Lisbon tucked a stray hair behind her ear as she glanced back at her pony. "Can I pet him?" she asked hopefully.

"Her," Jane corrected. "And yes. Her handlers assured me she's quite tame."

Lisbon walked over to the pony. "Hello..." she cooed. "What's her name?" she asked Jane over her shoulder.

"Sandy," he answered. "Not particularly creative but there you go."

"Hello Sandy," Lisbon said, reaching her hand out to the pony to stroke her new friend. "I can't believe you smuggled a pony into my office," she said absently for the umpteenth time.

"Get over it," Jane said bluntly. "I've got some carrots hidden in my couch if you want to feed her."

"Really?" Lisbon asked in pleasure.

Jane smiled again. "I brought a pony up several flights of stairs and you're surprised about the carrots?"

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "One, I assumed you took the service elevator. Two, you told me to get over the pony. And three... Actually, you're right. I don't know why I'm surprised about the carrots. _Of course _you hid them in your couch and not in the fridge like a normal person."

"You might have seen them and caught wise to the whole plan," Jane explained.

"Oh, right," Lisbon said sarcastically. "Because if I'd seen a bag of carrots in the fridge the very _first_ thing I would have thought of is _'Hm. Jane must be planning on smuggling a pony into my office for my birthday.'_"

"You might have," he insisted.

"And pigs might fly tomorrow morning," Lisbon snarked.

"A pony did ride an elevator today," Jane reminded her.

Lisbon grinned as she scratched between Sandy's ears, "So you _did_ take the service elevator."

"Of course I took the service elevator!" Jane said in exasperation. "You really think I was going to lead a pony up the stairs?"

"You know Jane, I hadn't really given much thought to how you would smuggle a pony into the CBI to be quite honest with you," Lisbon admitted, still half-distracted by the animal in her office. "No I didn't. Did I Sandy? Oh, you're a nice pony aren't you?"

"Would you like me to go get your carrots now?" Jane asked, the laughter clearly audible in his voice.

But Lisbon didn't care. She was busy playing with her pony, "Yes please."

"Alright," he agreed with an affectionate shake of his head. "I'll leave you to bond with Sandy."

He left her office, grin firmly in place. He saw Van Pelt go in almost immediately. No doubt Van Pelt wanted to bond with the pony as well. Rigsby followed after a moment, while Cho remained in the hall

"Lisbon seems to like her gift," the Asian agent remarked.

"Yeah," Jane agreed. "She does."

"That's nice," Cho added. "She looks happy."

"That was the plan," Jane said absently on the way over to his couch. "Thanks for your help getting it into the elevator by the way."

"No problem," Cho said. After all, it hadn't been his foot the pony had stepped on.

"Aha!" Jane said as he removed the carrots from underneath a couch cushion.

"Hey Jane?" Cho asked.

"Yeah?"

"Don't bring an animal of any kind, especially one as big as a pony, into the CBI on my birthday, okay?" Cho told him.

"Course not," Jane agreed. "You don't have an office to hide it in."

"Still," Cho prodded.

"Relax Cho," Jane told him. "I wasn't going to anyway."

Cho grinned as Jane bounded back into the office. "Didn't think so," he murmured.

Inside the office Jane was greeted by an admittedly attractive sight. Sandy and Lisbon had apparently bonded far better than he'd anticipated and the pony was busy nuzzling her arms and inside her jacket, almost certainly looking for treats. Lisbon was trying not to laugh, but Jane was sure that had she not been in the office the usually no-nonsense agent would be giggling. "I guess she's looking for these," Jane said holding the carrots to his boss.

"Guess so," Lisbon said with a half a laugh. She grabbed the carrots and gave them to the eager pony. "How long is she here for?" she asked Jane.

"About another 45 minutes, nearly an hour," he told her.

Lisbon watched Sandy eat. "I think we're going to run out of carrots before that," she said dryly.

"I think there might be some in the fridge from the last time Van Pelt brought snacks!" Rigsby suggested quickly. "I'd be happy to get them. Someone should eat them after all."

Van Pelt shot him a look before shaking her head. "There may be some sugar cubes in there too," she added. "I'll check."

"Thanks guys," Lisbon said softly as she scratched the now-particularly-affectionate Sandy's ears.

"Keep giving her treats and you'll have made a friend for life," Jane remarked softly.

"Yeah," Lisbon breathed absently.

Jane watched her in silence for a moment.

"Hey Jane?" Lisbon said suddenly.

"Hm?"

"Thank you for the pony," she said.

"Happy Birthday Lisbon," he replied with a smile.

xxxxx

_v._

Another day, another murder.

This particular day Patrick Jane and Teresa Lisbon were on their way to interview Melanie Doyle, the sister-in-law of their latest victim. They didn't know much about her, other than that she'd been widowed about five years ago when her husband died in a car crash. Well, that and that she ran a small hobby farm outside of town.

Jane knew Lisbon was also hoping that the woman could shed some light on her brother-in-law's recent activities.

The two of them pulled down the long driveway and came to a stop outside of a largeish white farmhouse. Lisbon's polite knocking and repeated ringing of the doorbell yielded no response.

"Pickup's parked in the driveway," Jane remarked after a moment. "So she's probably home."

"I know," Lisbon agreed. "You wanna try around back then?"

"After you," Jane gestured with a smile, leading her off of the porch.

Lisbon walked briskly around the house. As expected there was a barn, a paddock with a couple of horses in it, and a few other smaller buildings. "Mrs. Doyle?" she called as she walked towards the barn.

A middle-aged woman walked out of the door. Jane was amused to note she was being followed by a goat walking a few paces behind her. "Can I help you?" she asked.

Lisbon walked over. "I'm Agent Lisbon," she said holding up her badge. "This is Patrick Jane. We're with the California Bureau of Investigation. We were hoping we could ask you about your brother-in-law."

Melanie Doyle sighed. "Yeah," she said softly. "Judy called me when it happened. I figured you guy's be by for a word soon enough."

"When was the last time you spoke to Joe?" Lisbon asked quietly.

The woman shrugged. "A couple of days ago actually," she admitted. "Joe and I, we kind of lost touch a bit after my husband died, but we still tried to check in with each other regularly. We never really clicked all that well personality-wise y'know? But Joe was a good man. I almost can't believe he's dead."

Lisbon nodded. "When you spoke to him did he say anything..." she started to ask, when she felt something nudge against her leg. She glanced down in surprise.

The goat was staring back up at her.

Mrs. Doyle laughed. "Don't mind Frank," she assured her. "He's harmless. Just likes someone to scratch behind his ears. And he's a bit of a ladies' man, or goat rather. Got a thing for pretty women."

Lisbon laughed softly and obligingly scratched behind Frank's ears. The goat closed his eyes in pleasure.

Lisbon went back to her interrogation, all the while scratching behind Frank's ears.

Jane mostly stayed silent in the background, watching the two women closely. After a few minutes he decided it was time to put himself forward.

He took a couple of steps closer to the two women. "You didn't kill him," he said confidently, gesturing to Melanie Doyle as he did so.

She looked briefly insulted by his remark. Unfortunately, the usual effect of one of his unexpected statements designed to confuse his target and catch them off guard was ruined when it was followed almost immediately by a rather loud yelp. "He head-butted me!" Jane cried, rubbing his thigh as he took a step back from the still hostile-looking goat.

Both women smirked. "Ah yes," Melanie said. "I forgot to mention, Frank can also be rather territorial."

Jane sighed. "Anyway," he said, deciding to start again as he shuffling slightly closer to Lisbon, only to be head-butted a second time. "OW!" he yelled. "He head-butted me again!"

"He's _territorial_,Jane," Lisbon repeated slowly.

"Yeah, but of _you?"_ Jane wondered. "I mean, I can understand Melanie here, but this is ridiculous."

Melanie smirked. "Frank makes friends quickly," she said with a shrug. "And like I said, he likes pretty women."

Jane sighed, but he was determined not to let a mere goat get the better of him. He tried to surreptitiously get closer to his boss. It didn't work. "Lisbon!" he complained after yet another headbutt to the leg.

She was smirking. The woman was enjoying this. "What do you want me to do about it Jane?" she asked.

"Call of your goat," he muttered.

"Not my goat," she reminded him easily. "Besides, I always thought goats were ornery animals. Like someone else I know, by the way. I bet even if I wanted to I couldn't call him off."

"You're right about that," Melanie interjected. "Frank's decided you need protecting from this one, so protect you is what he'll do. After all, you scratched behind his ears for a good five minutes."

"Oh brother," Jane muttered. That resulted in another head-butt in the thigh. "Okay, that thing has horns!" he complained.

"I had noticed," Lisbon said. "Why don't you just take a step back then? It'd probably be easiest all around."

Jane scowled. It was ridiculous when a man couldn't even stand next to his boss after all. How was he supposed to get any work done this way? He'd have to complain to Madeleine about working conditions when they got back to the CBI. His leg was going to have a bruise on it and everything now.

Not to mention Lisbon was going to mock him the whole way back.

After a few minutes (and much head-butting), Jane and Frank reached a compromise. Jane could stand within speaking distance of the two women (albeit a few paces further away than he was used to), but if he tried to get any closer to either of them, particularly Lisbon, he received another headbutt in warning. Frank seemed to feel the need to hover particularly close to Jane in order to make sure this system was enforced. It was irritating.

Stupid, stubborn goat. He could understand how the animal could get attached to Lisbon, but this was ridiculous. He'd never noticed before how often he inadvertently moved towards her when they interviewed people until that ability was taken away. Jane was rapidly getting frustrated by the whole thing.

Actually, he wanted to leave the farm altogether.

Thankfully, a few minutes later Lisbon decided they could go. After all, as he'd realized two minutes after meeting her, Melanie Doyle wasn't their murderer. As far as Jane could tell she hadn't been kidding when she'd said she and her brother-in-law weren't particularly close; she only knew basic background on their victim, nothing to help find his killer.

"We'll call you if we need anything else," Lisbon told her, as she turned to go.

"You'll find who did this Agent Lisbon?" Mrs. Doyle asked.

"We'll do our best," Lisbon promised. "Goodbye Frank," she added.

"Yes, goodbye," Jane added curtly.

"I guess you and Frank'll never be friends," Mrs. Doyle said with a smirk. "Try not to take it personally."

Jane smiled, his move improving, now that he'd finally be able to get away from the stupid animal. "It's fine," he assured her. "I'm tough enough to take a few head-butts to the leg. I think my ego can survive a single goat's dislike."

"Yeah," the widow agreed, as she walked back towards the barn. "But what about your suit?"

Jane looked down in horror. Sure enough, the corner of the suit jacket he'd been holding over his arm had what looked like a large hole in it. "_Lisbon!"_ he cried. "That goat ATE my suit!"

"I know," Lisbon said cheerfully. "I noticed."

"Well, why didn't you say anything?" he demanded.

"Payback," she said succinctly.

"_For what?_" he asked as he examined his suit in disgust. Thing was completely ruined now.

"For all those times you didn't tell me something that you should have," Lisbon told him. "Now come on you big baby. Let's go catch a killer."

"But my suit..." Jane whined. "There are teeth-marks in it now! It'll never be the same."

"No one cares, Jane," Lisbon assured him.

"The CBI better compensate me for this," Jane growled.

Lisbon laughed. "Yeah, good luck with that."

Jane followed her sulkily, muttering about stubborn animals who destroyed perfectly nice suits and women who didn't give adequate warning when it happened. "I liked that suit Lisbon," he said again, hoping to elicit sympathy.

He didn't get any. "Just get in the car, Jane," she ordered.

"You're very stubborn. You know that don't you Lisbon?" Jane asked. "Hey, maybe that's why Frank liked you so much! He realized you had something in common."

"You're just mad because he ate your suit," Lisbon told him.

"And gave me a bruise on my leg!" Jane added. "I'm injured Lisbon. And you're being mean. I think you should kiss it better."

"Not a chance," she retorted, ignoring his pout. "Actually," she added, as she started the car. "Frank reminded me of you in a way?"

"_Me?"_ Jane asked in disbelief.

"Sure," Lisbon agreed with a shrug. "He hovered around my personal space waiting for me to give him a pat on the head and generally made a nuisance of himself."

Jane crossed his arms in annoyance and decided not to dignify that remark with a reply. It was ridiculous anyway.

He didn't wait around for her to pat him on the head.

xxxxx

The End


End file.
